No, not a chapter in a book. This year marks the end of a chapter of my life. From my birth until I was married I was daughter, sister, niece, cousin. But my main identity for almost fifty-three years was 'wife' because I had a husband. My sister-in-law Glenda made the collage on the right to commemorate our 50th anniversary. On January 25, 2011, I came to the reality of the part of our vows that said "'til death do us part." I am not alone in the loss of my life companion. Several of my friends have faced the same drastic change in their lives recently. Friends and loved ones try with all their hearts to comfort. But in the end we must face death and separation alone in our own spirit.
We met when I was just eighteen years old. He was not long out of the Navy, came to work at the company I worked for. We began dating and four months later were married in my hometown. A little over a year later came the pain of a stillborn first daughter. But in another year and a half our precious, talented, beautiful Sharon Elizabeth, Liz, came into our lives. This gave me another identity, mother. Another writer's insight that I came across in a magazine summed it up perfectly. "After you bear a child, forever after your heart walks around outside your body."
Time seems to stretch almost endlessly before you when you're working, building lives, making a home, raising a child. Other losses, parents, siblings, cousins, remind you that life is not endless. Then comes the joy of a grandchild. Finally retirement, time for the things you didn't have time for before. Well, kind of. For a time he tried a second career in the private security field and I put more energy into becoming a writer. Serious illness intruded, abated. Grandchild grew up, the added joy of a great grandchild.
The unexpected, a major stroke, beginning of the end. Almost three years of struggle before his final release from a body which could not overcome this damage. And I released from watching this strong young man I married become almost a helpless child again.
This piece had to be typed in several sessions because after a few sentences tears blurred the screen. Since it's been almost a year, this was a little surprising because I always considered myself the emotionally strong one in our partnership. After all one of my favorite cartoons is the spike-haired chick admonishing us to "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it."
So perhaps this bit of writing will be cathartic and I'll be able to get on with the next chapter of my life, whatever it holds.
©2011 Sylvia Nickels